(Adam J. Benton was contemplating titling this "Han Xuan" (sp?) which is pinyin for "phatic." However, in order to continue the 'tradition' of naming posts after references he decided with this title so as to refer to Dearly Beloved. He would also like to inform his readership that he has started making these 'notes from the editor' in the 3rd person to make it seem more professional)
As I sat in lunch today it seemed to stretch out before me. I was with friends, but just couldn't partake in it. When somebody tried to talk to me I just couldn't hold conversation. Others seemed to manage it but I just couldn't.
I began to think I just wasn't very good at, having those old feelings of inadequacy. I thought back to yesterday and waiting in the bus-stop with those long periods of silence when I couldn't think of anything to say. I thought of the day before when a similar thing happened out the back of Touchwood.
I began to suspect I sucked at being social. To an extent it is true, I do have a slight inclination to isolate, though I suspect it's me being overly-critical again.
This feeling wasn't helped by the fact that the little sojourn into Solihull with Tham wound up being just phatic talk. She was glum, needed cheering up. In fact, the purpose of this little trip was to cheer her up.
And all I could talk about was the most inane stuff. Whilst I enjoyed it and I offer many thanks to her I couldn't help feeling that she needed better, that she should have better....that she deserved better.
But I guess sometimes you just need company; and she did seem to perk up towards the end. Maybe it wasn't quite as bad a social fail as I thought, though I am starting to get worried about shifting the focus towards me. Don't bother, she should have it. Go make Tham feel great as she deserves it for being so awesome all that time; whilst I go and find solace in the fact that I do want to be social.
As though intent counts for much.
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Aww, I'm going to thank you for today by letting you know that you did help and I really appreciate it. =)
ReplyDeleteFor me, it's just having the company of someone who wants to be with me that helps. It doesn't matter what we talk about, or if we talk at all. xD
You're too awesome to let a little silence put you down! So cheer up, otherwise we're going to need another trip to Pizza Hut. =P
PHATIC!! You really should have linked that to dicionary.com, or even better, an english-mandarin diciontary.
ReplyDeleteAnd come again? This is definitely a thought that I would not expect from you. Things can get better... *plots*